A Spanish Girl and Her English Soldier – A Love Beyond Boundaries

10 days where love exploded and set the course for the rest of our lives.

We met at that party in the Lycée Michelet in Paris on the night of Saturday 27th/Sunday 28th November. On Wednesday 8th December, Ana was standing on the pavement with her suitcase awaiting the taxi that would be the first stage of her return to Madrid.

I had had no intention of going to the party in the Salon de Soleil in the Lycée where I was teaching English and I still have no idea of why I eventually popped in. A vague curiosity, a sense of politeness or much more likely a very good natured fate.  What I do remember so clearly was turning my eyes towards the right and seeing this simply stunning girl with exotic dark eyes framed with glistening dark hair.  With no plan, I made directly for her and after a moment of confusion (I wanted to dance, she thought I had asked for a cigarette), she was dancing and I suspect that I was in love.  A coffee in my room, with her girlfriend chaperoning, was followed by a drive to take them both home.  Ana was convinced that I was interested in her girlfriend whom she tried to get me to drop off last.  There was no way that that was going to happen! Had you asked me seconds after I dropped the friend off, I could not have told you anything about her but had you asked me about Ana, well you could have been in for a long day…………

I left a present of a book in her letter box the following day and in those next few days, we managed to see each other a few times.  The first was quite funny as Ana brought another friend along (I assumed this was a Spanish chaperoning thing), convinced that, for whatever reason, I would prefer the friend.  Out of politeness, in the cafe on top of Montmartre in the Place du Tertre, I asked the friend to dance, but my eyes never left Ana.  And I think Ana realised it. From then on it was just the two of us. The way in which I looked at her is something that has been commented upon all of our lives. It is a look that combines love, wonderment, passion, care. It is above all a look that says I only have eyes for you – because you are the only one for me.

And it was on the steep slope leading down from Montmartre that we sat in the car one night and Ana expressed a fear of being alone in her life. There and then I made a promise, a promise that she would never be alone, that I would stay with her forever, that I would never allow her to be alone. It is the easiest promise I have ever made and it is the promise that has given me more happiness than I could ever have imagined – and I do not suffer from constrained imagination.

So when I had that premonition on the Wednesday morning that something was wrong, I drove straight to Ana’s lodgings (she was working as an Au Pair for a friend of the family while studying French at the Alliance Francaise) to find her awaiting the taxi with the woman who looked after her. I was not aware, at the time, that a jealous much older cousin of Ana’s had reported to her father that she was seeing some undesirable alien.  Her father had summoned her home instantly.  But Madame did not see an undesirable Alien, she saw a young English Army Officer in a very English Triumph Vitesse who courteously offered to drive Ana to the bank and then the station after the situation had been briefly explained. Madame was delighted and Ana was in my car with scarcely a word and a look that was quizzical, happy, relieved. I had seen the look in her eyes as I drove up. I could see the unhappiness, the sad ending to her Parisian dream and, although I did not know it at the time, to our romance.

10 days where love grew as we learned to love and live

As we drove off, I proposed a subtle change of plan and suggested that, rather than return to her family in Madrid, she stay with me at the Lycée and then come to England for Christmas.  Amazingly and incredibly bravely, she said yes.  The sadness was gone, replaced by a joyful excitement, almost childlike in its purity.  So we went to the bank to collect the money her father had sent for her train ticket and then off to lunch near the Boulevard St Michel.  We stayed in Paris for about two weeks before making our escape to England.

It was a magical two weeks, whether discussing books in my room, cooking a sort of coq au vin on a single burner camping gaz cooker, drinking hot chocolate and coffee in the cafes of St Germain, going to the cinema or wandering along the Champs Elysees hand in hand or with my arm around her shoulder. Our love simply grew and strengthened, but I had not realised that, just before she was due to leave, she had written me a quick note to tell me that she was leaving today not tomorrow (I had not even had the letter saying she was going at all) and telling me in English, French and Spanish that she loved me. To discover that my wildest dream had, apparently, come true was the catalyst for a wondrous explosion of emotion, colour, music – truly a stop the world moment of happiness, joy, excitement and a tingle of disbelief.  I looked at this amazingly attractive, sensual and intelligent girl with a lively mischievous sense of humour; I saw her smile that could dazzle the sun; I found my eyes fixed on hers, which twinkled or sparked or sometimes penetrated so deeply that they reached the very depth of your soul; I marvelled at her proud upright bearing that mixed, in a way I have still not seen in anyone else, with a subtle rhythmical sway of the hips; I was dazzled by her dancing, the lightness of foot, how she simply took over the dance floor (my daughters talk of her working the room!) and I fell in love over and over with her soft Spanish voice.  How could it possibly be that she had chosen me?

But all of this was simply the tip of the iceberg.  For what lay beneath is where the real magic lies.  This girl was for all of her life an inspirational human being. She was an individual – she did not go with the crowd; she was passionate about justice and fairness at every level; she was kind, warm, caring and loving.  She had a careless courage.  She was both intelligent and an avid reader and learner – and, as I was to discover, that applied to languages or cooking, art or literature, global affairs or history. She loved music , Classical, Opera, traditional Spanish, French or South American as well as more modern songs. And she was always willing to share with others.  And later, as a surprised mother, she was unique, inspiring her children to learn to love learning in a variety of original ways.

Despite her very traditional background of an upper class Spanish family, she was not hidebound by tradition or doing the ‘right thing’.  She would happily keep her daughters at home, missing many days at school, and educate them in her own brilliant way as she developed her three ‘masterpieces’. And that independence applied to her own life that she would lead in her own way while all the time caring for me and then for her daughters.

So by the time it came to getting to England, our life had become one. Ana said that separating would be like losing half her body and shortly after I recall writing to her and thanking her because “tu m’as fait connaitre l’amour” (“you have made me know love”). Her reply was yet another nuclear arrow through my heart: “Avec toi j’ai su ce que c’est vivre” (“with you I have come to know what it is to live”).  French was our language as I could not speak Spanish and Ana could not speak English.  That language stayed with us for our 45 years.

We had by then learned that the police were looking for Ana.  Our escape plan was to leave in the middle of the night, first going East and then looping around to the South before heading for the Channel ports.  It worked.  We arrived in London and I remember buying Ana a white toy dog at Derry & Toms in Kensington before heading home to stay with my slightly bemused mother who then sweetly became complicit in the affair by writing to Ana’s family saying how happy she was to have her for Christmas etc.

45 Years Later

To have lost her seems incomprehensible and I sit here writing about this wondrous human being knowing I am still so in love with her. I fear that my words will not do her justice but I hope they will help people understand a little of her, feel closer to her and learn to love her.  As she passed through our world, she touched so many people’s lives with gentle selfless thoughtful touches; she stood up for, believed in and protected our daughters while all the time helping them to fly as free as birds and to appreciate the beauty of art, literature and music. She remained fiercely loyal to me despite my many faults and failings and she loved me totally for 45 magical years.  To be loved by Ana with her own blend of gentle love and passion, made so wonderful through her imagination and selflessness, has been my joy.

I have lost my way. I do not really understand what life means anymore. I have always been an optimist, someone who looks forward, who believes that it just gets better and better. Now I look back with longing. I want to go back and do more for her, make her happier.  I want to wake up and find it is all a nightmare. But it is not and so the best I can do is minute by minute and often it is second by second. I keep hearing people telling me to be strong.  I don’t even know what that means. Of course I will be strong for my daughters because I love them and they are all mini Anas in their own way.  But Ana was my life and she has gone, however hard it is to understand and believe.  Because she was so full of life, because she could light up a room or a Galaxy, because her love was so powerful and all encompassing, her departure has ripped through our lives like a tornado.

I shall write more but for the moment thank you to anyone who has taken the trouble to read this. Mostly I thank Ana for those 45 years, for that amazing love and togetherness that time and again saw us through so much together. Ana, I love you more than perhaps you can ever know.  You were for me more than any dream. And after 45 years, I am more in love with you than I have ever been. Thank you for the magic that you brought to our young love and that you sustained throughout right to the end.